“A lighthouse doesn’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save. It just stands there shining.” Anne Lamott
For most of my life, one of the most common things people say to me is how relaxed they feel around me. I’ve always said calm was a superpower but I don’t know if I was born with it, acquired it or honed it because I grew up surrounded by people who were the opposite. Although my father could be cool under pressure, take daily afternoon naps like clockwork and relax like nobody’s business, he, like my mother, was an unpredictable and explosive alcoholic. On top of that, my mother was always in a state of anxiety and nervous energy so I was always the one who’d stay calm, stay out or help engage without escalating. I think because I spent a lot of time alone when i was young with hobbies like reading, writing and being out in nature as a kid, I was able to consistently recharge so I could be ready to deal with the storms when they happened.
My ex struggled with anxiety, depression, insecurity. In the beginning that actually worked in a strange way because I was calm and fun and could take his mind off whatever was making him spiral. But as work and life got harder for both of us, he coped with drugs and alcohol, his patience disappeared. And instead of being a support, I became the target. And the more I worked to keep us calm, the more depleted I became because it wasn’t just him. I was trying to keep CMOs and CEOs and high functioning teams calm in high pressure work situations. Personally I was getting blamed for things I had no control over and at work I was in constant tense situations with loud voices. Working 60 to 70 hours a week, often travelling, and then having to do things around my ex’s schedule including so many family events, I stopped doing things that had kept me sane: yoga, being out in nature, being alone for hours at a time. And slowly over time and without noticing, my nervous system completely failed.
By the time I ended that relationship I was a different person than when I went into it. I had become full of anxiety, I was on edge and jumped at everything, I couldn’t sleep more than 3 hours a night if I was lucky and I found the smallest inconvenience the biggest deal. I was insecure and the opposite of calm because I hadn’t felt psychologically safe for 8 years.
In the summer of 2019 a friend came to visit me in LA. The morning he arrived, something rare and random happened to my car where it became undrivable. Literally you couldn’t move it, not even in neutral. I had been so looking forward to showing my friend around town but because of my car, the day seemed to be falling apart before it could even start. I called a tow truck which took forever, and while we waited I made nervous jokes because I felt terrible and was convinced he was going to think I was stupid because I let something like this happen to my car even though there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. As we waited for the tow truck driver I kept wondering when would his patience run out? When would the other shoe drop? When would the snap happen. I already had high energy because of his visit but with my nerves kicking in I started going into anxiety overdrive about how this would all pile up on me.
But he didn’t escalate anything. When the tow truck driver came, my friend came out to the garage with me and watched the tow truck driver try to somehow get my car out which seemed impossible. But he was patient. He was kind. Not a sigh, not a word of blame, not a single thing that told me I had ruined something or should get the situation resolved faster. Even though I was anxious, his calm energy was keeping me from escalating. And I realised, his calm wasn’t conditional on me being at my best.
After a while the driver finally got my car out of the garage and I had to go into town to get a rental, which took far longer than it should have due to last minute needs and complications by the rental company. By the time I got back to my flat, it was very late in the afternoon and the day I’d planned was mostly gone. I’d wanted to take him to my favourite restaurant up in the mountains because the drive up during sunset is stunning and the restaurant is one of the most unique and hidden spots in LA. But we were losing daylight by this point and were an hour away from the place. Plus he’d already had a full travel day and jet lag was kicking in. I asked him if he still wanted to go, and braced myself for the pushback and questions about why I didn’t plan something local and how tired he was and why didn’t I think of that. But the pushback didn’t come. The attitude didn’t come. And as we drove up the mountain roads I told him he must be exhausted from the travel day and that I felt bad for taking him on an hour long trip when he must be hungry and exhausted, the complaining didn’t come. He just simply said he was enjoying the ride. When we got to the restaurant we had to wait outside for a bit and we sat in nature, watched a peacock, and acted like the chaos of the day hadn’t happened and instead focused on a great meal. I’d become so much more relaxed though some of my nervous energy came through with worry of what to say or not say so I probably talked too much about the wrong things and wasn’t as present as I could have been. But it was the most relaxed I’d been in years, which was a clear message to me that I’d been choosing to hang out with the wrong people for me.
Because the thing is, he struggled with anxieties and a mind that goes all the time so it’s not like I had Yoda calming me down. I had someone who, in that situation, didn’t take things on personally and was somehow managing their own anxieties well enough to not escalate mine. He didn’t fix anything. He just didn’t make it worse. I realised that night that I didn’t have anyone in my life who operated that way. Not even my closest friends.
My closest friends were high strung, often critical, demanding of support without giving it back and fun but always with conditions. And cliché as it was, it was people like I’d grown up around. Ending my relationship with my ex didn’t end the pattern of the kinds of people I let into my life. I ended up starting a new job and trauma bonding with a coworker turned close friend (which I get now is a flag). I started recognizing the patterns and behaviours with her and how that affected me and as her behaviours and attacks intensified, I became scared enough to connect with a great therapist to figure out how to navigate out of this and then away from this once and for all. I learned that people were attracted to my calm and I was so used to using it to help people without thinking if they deserved it, if it’d be reciprocal or what I needed to do to replenish it and get back to the calm state I was known for and worked so well. So I got out of that friendship and for a while I stopped making new friends, I didn’t date, and I let go of some other friendships where I always ended up depleted. I consistently carved out time for yoga and hiking, and got quiet and protective over what I felt and thought and who I shared things with and what I took on. Done consciously and over time, it paid off.
In June 2024, I was on a trip with my nieces and their dad, a family of three with all the complexity that brings, a graduation, strong personalities, the dynamics of people who love each other and also drive each other mad. Their dad said to me that I was a really easy person to travel with. Calm. Nothing got to me. I wasn’t escalating anything or anyone. I was the steady one. I let others do what they needed to, but helped things calm when I could. I stayed fully present. It was one of the best trips I’ve ever taken and I got to thoroughly enjoy everyone no matter what the mood was. I felt like my superpower was back. But like all life’s lessons, once you think you’ve learned something, you get tested.
A few months later I got Harvey, my rescue dog, and took her on a hike in the mountains with a friend. The leash slipped from my hands halfway up the mountain and she bolted down the trail. I was yelling for her and yelling to anyone who might be on the trail ahead to maybe get her leash. While this was happening, my friend who always tried appear as the calm nice guy kept telling me to “settle down.” Luckily hikers coming up the trail got her and it was fine. The whole situation probably wasn’t more than 3 minutes so just as quickly as I worried, was as quick as I got calm. I was literally moving on when my friend said I didn’t have to panic the way I did, which really irritated me. Yes, being calm is good in crisis situations, which I weirdly have always been great at, but my reaction in this situation wasn’t over the top. It was totally appropriate. I was yelling to get attention from the dog or a human, I was walking quickly down the trail to try to catch up to the dog. Nothing about that was inappropriate especially since I went back to baseline calm once I had my dog back. Being calm is a superpower but that doesn’t mean panic is never the right response, it’s just knowing what the right level is, ir the situation warrants it and how will you handle it now and after. So keeping a regulated nervous system isn’t just about surrounding yourself with people who never get upset and expect that of you too because that’s not calm, that’s suppression. And that builds up and will some day pop off, most likely at you.
I talk about this a lot with my nieces, who are 25 and 27. Their mum and my mum are two sides of the same coin and I can see how their mother affected their minds and energy the same way mine did. Being constantly vigilant and aware of other people’s energies and needs and constantly bracing for when their friends or boyfriends escalate a non-issue. We agreed that whether it’s a new friend or potential boyfriend, one big question that we’ll ask before anyone new comes into our life is “do they escalate my nervous system or calm it?” Because we might be able to endure an escalation for a while because we’re used to it, but at some point it will destroy us, and no relationship is worth that.
Because it’s not just about protecting our superpower. It’s about protecting our sanity, our health, and our ability to show up fully for the people who matter. And when you surround yourself with people who do the same, everything gets better. Not just for you, but for everyone around you.